I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?
Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
Ok cuz s'mores night just turned into pina colada after noon and it will be mas fun
So it finally happened last night... I re-met someone that i've already had sex with. Had no idea who he was. Fantastic
i'm calling it my monica lewinsky shirt now. may it live forever in infamy.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
The number of mornings I actually have to say out loud to myself "you must put pants on and go to work" to get motivated is...troubling.
His baby mama found the pictures of us, she couldn't see my face but she could see my asshole. So I'm safe.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
so does the amount of bruises on my arms and legs mean we had fun last night?
Randomize
