He said he used to draw on the walls with poop when he was a kid.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I can totally hide my daquiri in my sling.
Just waterfalled in the movie theatre... this is the beginning to a good night
He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.
Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.
I folded my dollar bills into mustaches in preparation for our trip to the strip club
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
You haven't lived until you have fucked while Fantasia is on
Oh you mean the girl that gave me a black eye when I told her I liked her fake eyelashes?
Randomize
