Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation
Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
Apparently I walked to Denny's in the pouring rain without shoes just socks last night. Excellent.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Care to explain the single rose and the package of "Cowboy Moustaches" I found on the porch?
Its not often you get to say, "The security guard at my job is my new drug dealer," but as of last night, I get to say it.
I ate the crust off the pizza and left the rest in the box. Even I would hate me.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I always want to see you. Honestly my only hesitation is that my ass is still kind of sore from Sunday 🥺
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