Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
where are my pants?
you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm
good luck with ur interview. Just show them your confidence and don't make that sucking snot noise. Really don't. Praying for you, love mom
I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.
The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".
Its like I instantly had a mental image of me in my mugshot.
Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
which guy lost his keys in my bed this weekend?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
wow thanks for pushing me towards an older man
you gotta start somewhere if you're going to be a trophy wife
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
Randomize
