I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.
Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
What would Jesus do? ... Jesus would slap a ho.
he's super hid and wouldn't leave us alone so i snatched his phone and started texting lovelink (thanks for a well-timed commercial) that will cost him money. muhahaha
Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.
Thank you as well. My penis is starting a slow-clap right now.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
Question: would asking the hot guy from the grocery store to "beer me" his number be a poor decision?
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
Just sent my cousin to buy me a new bra cause mine is zip tied to a bar in the middle of nowhere Iowa
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
I manage to fit my wine bottle in my koozie and the rest is history
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