My nephew just came out playing with my moms vibrator.
Did you ever notice the eye of Sauron looks like Lindsay Lohan's vagina?
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
I FUCKING SERVED PEOPLE AND POURDED JUGS AND GOT FREE BEEEEEEEERERTERRY
I was in the freezer we were knocking over shit. Speaking of which i asked my boss. I can hook up with girls in the freezer
Yeah just sayin. Whenever you want to come over and wank me off you can
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.
I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.
Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it
U can find me on my couch hungover eatin tuna evaluating my life
LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
It's Friday you fucking nerd of course I'm drunk.
Randomize
