I'm drunk in f*****g wisconsin and want to kill myself.
If it's any consolation, be grateful that you're not in New Jersey.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.
I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
He went to cum on my stomach and somehow it got behind my ear. He's like a fucking jizz Houdini.
I told her I was going to sleep early last night. I probably should not have sent that snapchat of us playing beer pong.
If I remember correctly I tried to steal a mail truck last night
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
He will be so fat that the winter can not penetrate his blubber.
There's a 50-50 shot that I will wake up with an ass tattoo tomorrow.
Floor bacon is actually really good
Also, if you don't fuck me soon, I will die. I don't want to die like that.
Randomize