If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
I just had an epiphany. There is NOTHING TO STOP ME from making cake mix and eating it all instead of making a cake. It feels like my entire life has peaked at this moment.
So, right as I'm cumming, I pull out and go "PYEW PYEW" like Star Wars lasers. Best part is, I missed her completely.
You were waisted for 48 hours and the only 3 words you said were yup, sure, and michigan
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I just shotgunned a beer alone in the bathroom...what do you expect from me
Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
Well according to all the calls, texts, and Facebook messages, I threw up on you guys last night.
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
I'll like his pictures on Instagram every once and a while so that when he sees my name he is reminded of the best blow job he's ever gotten.
After passing out at the kitchen table, you woke up in my parents bed in between them. With no pants on.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
Randomize
