Came home and the girl was sitting on the steps "talking" on her ipod touch AND was halfway done eating a raw cucumber.
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
Hangover cure: shower, throw up again, sleep for 4 hours, eat salsa, brush teeth. Good to go.
Playing hide and seek with all those cheeseburgers... Not our finest moment.
Also, did that cop draw hearts on everyone's hands last night?
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Find a vagina and bring it to me. Like feeding a tiger.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Yes sir I did. I'll be there with a guest. And no, my date won't be an escort.
Well if that changes tell the escort to bring cocaine.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
In a few weeks I'll be a beautiful butterfly and me and my cat will have to repopulate the earth. WE WILL REBUILD!!
Met the hot new neighbor. She's into country music and giving really good bjs. Latter made up for the former.
Randomize