She invited me to an Eagles game, I mean that is almost better then if she told me she could only function with large amounts of semen in her system at all times.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.
I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.
Not my cup of tea
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.
oh yeah, there may or may not be a large boa loose in the house when you get home.
New one-upper goal: I have to shit off the side of a moving train then jump off
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
These tits shall not be calmed
He was licking my ear while recommending that I shop at IKEA. I think he's my perfect guy.
You can help me! We'll make an occasion of it. Have some rum, make some smores, condemn the email system to the pits of hell...
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