Is it normal to miss your booty call?
You need Jesus like Tony Danza needs another hit show.
As soon as he lost the election, the reception's open bar became a cash bar. I have never been so disappointed in my countrymen.
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..
He used Kanye West lyrics to justify what happened and I accepted his logic
Did you catch one of my beer pong balls in your cleavage or was that a dream?
I need to have sex. It's becoming like a matter of public safety.
He stopped mid sex to pour wine in my mouth...
Marry him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Double-fisting ice cream and wine. Do not send help.
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