Just be blunt and say drink from my dick
i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.
Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.
...She was shooting whiskey using a turkey baster...i was horrified.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
its fine. mom just made me chug a long island. and made a crying face when i balked. we'll talk tomorrow.
Moral of the story: If you're gonna throw a glass of wine in a guy's face, don't do it in your own kitchen.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
Everything is covered in gelatin and pam cooking spray. Jesus be a shield.
i spent my Thursday drinking before noon and not wearing pants
3 words: harry potter burlesque. My life is so much more awesome than yours right now.
You know shits really hit the fan when you start using public bathroom air freshener spray as perfume
what? where are you?
So being hungover in an office full of people with hangovers for 9 hours is quite possibly what hell will be like.
Randomize
