Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?
i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good
I usually would've stopped there but I kinda remember opening the bottle of vodka, and we ALL know that's when things go downhill.
But I feel like studying my flashcards during a blowjob would be rude...
My mom is lecturing me about 'invaluable housekeeping skills' while I google 'cocktails involving gin' on my phone. I can feel the generational gap looming in her silent judgment of my choices.
Bro, she said my penis was the best thing to happen to her mouth since teeth.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Thanks for bringing me tea/a bucket. You have earned yourself a face touch.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Why would you trust me with ANYTHING!!!???
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
The best part of being a lesbian? If I'm late for work at a hookup's place I can use her make up and peace out. Well and all the sex of course.
Randomize
