Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.
Where are you?
Strip Club
You know that bakery that Sandra Bullock's sister owns?
The one in Montpelier?
yeah, well it doesn't exist anymore. VT's one fucking claim to fame closed.
we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself
dude you teach first grade wtf
as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
Well, if it gives you any indication, when I got there, there was already some dude passed out naked in the treehouse.
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
WE HAD GREAT SEX AND I HATE MYSELF FOR IT
New drinking game idea: Take a shot for every republican you see on facebook bitching about the ruling.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
I was having a serious heart-to-heart, and then the weed gummy kicked in.
Don't get into any trouble on your trip
The only foreseeable trouble would be pregnancy, but I gotta be sterile otherwise I'm beating some pretty fucking incredible odds
I mean, drunk me really liked him, maybe sober me will too. Who am I to deny fate?
Randomize