watching jon and kate + 8 right now is like watching my parents split up
so i woke up this morning covered in mail. none of it is mine.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!
It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
You literally spelled every word wrong or with numbers except for "drunk", which you used all caps for.
I felt the need to accentuate it....
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
I sort of feel bad for this orthodontist. The things that have been in my mouth in the past 12 hours aren't exactly socially acceptable.
Randomize
