I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
They're donating plasma together for extra money. Couple of the fucking century.
You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.
you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.
She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.
...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
The reign of the rally queen is over. Welcome to the age of the walking dead.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
He ate the contents of an ashtray and didn't puke, I think he can handle drinking a fifth to himself.
The port-o-potty that I peed in last night didn't actually have a toilet in it. And i never told anyone until this moment.
Thank you for trusting your ovaries to me
Fine I’ll come with you but you better tell that guy to wear some longer shorts because the second I see a rogue nut I’m gone
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Randomize
