I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
But I swear to god if I'm awkwardly there while you try to have sex with someone again I'm getting high with your dad
He was only in jail for 4 hours before he was someone's prison wife
His encouragement of my recreational drug use is the backbone of our nonrelationship. That, and rough animal sex and loud music.
WHAT A DUMBASS ugh I'm so glad he looks like a middle aged dad now
did the thing where I quickly swipe right to every girl on Tinder & matched with my sis. God I hope swiping carelessly is hereditary
suburban family judging/laughing at us after Jenna just pulled two flasks out of her boot on the subway
Did you really kidnap my goldfish last night?
Optimism doesn't exist before 2pm nor do any other emotions.
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