cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.
I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!
oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.
Next person that gets my dog drunk is paying to have my carpet cleaned. I am tired of getting up to pee and stepping in dog barf.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
i just want things to go smoothly
oh they won't lmao
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I don’t know if I’m nauseous or just disgusted with myself.
Now, I know I say this a lot, but you've obviously never seen my penis.
help. his tongue is stuck. Its not what you think. Hurry.
Must lick fork, like it's a DICK
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