I left my keys in the garlic bread freezer in Publix.
I love having hate sex.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
My mom said I should get that 'not fucking anybody' problem fixed.
Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls
Well ill be drunk so just come find me. Its like where in the world is Joey San Diego
so when he he finally wandered back into the room it was with a pound of cream cheese which he ate in 5 minutes flat and then passed out
let’s be honest I’d fucking Irish step dance on your grave, asshole
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Just an FYI you do have to wear pants to lunch
As much as I want you to bang someone other than me, he is an asshole.
As long as it's before midnight it's cool. But it would be understandable to ring in my new year shitting myself just before I go to Iraq.
Pandora played an ad for a free trial for an abortion pill if you’ve had unprotected sex in the last 2-3 days and then Lucky came on... I literally am dying laughing
I just found an entire bag of French fries under the seat of my car labeled "For emergency use only" drunk me is always planning ahead.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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