I feel like I just won at life, no connection sex and free 12 pack of beer after. Does life give out trophies, if so I want a big one.
you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I don't understand why we need a holiday to become more aware of boobs...
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...
I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7
When I'm famous, she'll look at her kids and go "I saw her buttcheeks beefore she was famous. I'm truly blessed."
I'm hoping my engineering degree will pay off when I invent porn watching in the shower
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I just found a To Do list on the table, written by me last night, that just says "1. Go downstairs. 2. Get Pickles. 3. Laptop"
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
He sends me pictures of his dogs and I send him my tits, it's a win win situation
I was at a crossroads, dude. Like, do I wanna eat chicken McNuggets or talk about my feelings?
These tits shall not be calmed
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