So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
I just wanted to say sorry for trying to jack off your dog last night.
i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.
may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.
I don't deserve a penis
Everyone was passed out so I turned off the lights and locked all the doors. I also took the chicken sandwich in the microwave as payment.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
I can't remember if I puked before or after the shots of absinthe. Or why I thought shots of absinthe was a good idea.
What's more sad than going to Target to buy Plan B and the new Sam Smith album?
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
He's my ex's boss. I'm not above sleeping with him for that fact alone.
I was like sure, i'll have a drink or two to end the night early. Next thing i know theres a ton of dudes in my house and like 3 gallons of wine. I cant do anything in moderation.
I feel fine lol. I tried climbing a tree but the branch broke and I got arrested.
My life. Always pantsless and occasionally topless.
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