if you like me you must not know who I am
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.
Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?
my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are
Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....
You were asking her how her mother would feel if y'all dated, etc. And I was yelling at you your girlfriends name over and over again in between gags and sobs.
I'm drunk, I'm covered in pizza, and I'm watching Jurassic Park. I feel like you'll get this. xx
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
HELP! I GOT DRUNK IN THE LIVING ROOM AND CANT GET UP UPSTAIRS
Trying to figure out why my back is hurting. And then I remember I got fucked up against a tree last night
I should stop using "Braveheart would do it" as a basis for decision making...
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
Randomize
