If it were my dying wish, would you come over 2nite 2 save me?:):):) wana come anyways?
areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!
you srsly need to quit going to that bar
So I have $4.22 in my bank account, just wrote a check for a tooth brush from quikmart, and bought a 25 cent condom from the bathroom. i don't know whats more sad, my bank account or the fact that i'm entrusting my entire future to a condom machine that was probably last filled in 1970
girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.
Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
"just because you look like a short version of scarlet johanson does not mean I would immediately fuck you" that was the single.most difficult thing to say. but seriously I don't want the roots of the whore tree anywhere near my junk.
I would like to dedicate my cray behavior this week to my uncontrollable hormones and wine. Both have totally Efff'ed with my life.
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
Ummm so I'm at the hospital and just heard some guy get tazed......twice.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
It looks like I jerked off a rainbow.
do you remember yelling out "insecurity makes my pussy dry!" unnecessarily loud at the bar?
Let's get this straight. I am six fucking feet tall. Do you even understand how limited my options in guys to date are? No. Did you see my last three boyfriends? I looked like a fucking giant next to them. So I will fuck this six-foot-seven Italian model even if I am the ugliest girl at this party because, goddammit, I deserve to.
Randomize
