I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it
I got tossed from adult league soccer for telling a 55 year old I'd break his hip. I'm a productive member of society
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
i have nothing going on in my life. unless a toxic love triangle with netflix and jack daniels counts.
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
I shit you not. Dude complemented me for being meme savvy. You could drown a toddler in my panties right now.
I had to say goodbye to one of my fuck buddies last night. He's voting for Trump, we shouldn't be doing it anyways.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
I am such a fucking liability at weddings. I ended up making out with this married 40-year-old that told me that basically if I came home with him and be a sex partner for him and his wife, I would never have to pay for anything again. Extremely considered it.
I found condoms in the back yard from you and your boyfriend. My house isnt a motel
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
