Congratulations on your moose knuckle.
Thank you. Really, it was an honor just being nominated.
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.
Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.
Watermelon juice. Makes everything better. Gin. Wine. EVERYTHING.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
So much for doing Irish car bombs in my grandpa's memory.... Asshole.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church
He told me to keep watching the Grammys and then went down on me.. I think I'm in love.
You fell while talking to a cop, then proceeded to acuse him of tripping you... he was arresting you for public intox.
Fun fact: nipples work on touch screens. Tell your friends :)
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