Stars make me really horny. Especially that shiny one its just staring at me.
there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.
Why does Thanksgiving make hot girls feel disgusting and fat girls feel horny? Its killing my prospects.
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
Just had a pleasant conversation with a mugger while he was taking off my shoes. Why can't I get along with people like this sober?
I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I managed to make myself a bowl of apple jacks, took one bite and had to stop eating them because they were making my brain wiggle. How was your comedown?
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
It's like the dark age of my sex life being stuck here
Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"
That is so sad.
And then she proceeded to tell us that blowing your brother made her feel like part of the family. At this point you were still pretending to be a cat. Need I give another reason she can't live with us?
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
I googled my name and pictures of you drinking showed up. Way to steal my thunder....
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