call me tomorrow and ask me about coke-whore stripper. It hasnt happened yet, but im sure it will be plenty disappointing.
Found an earplug stuck to the inside of my thigh this afternoon. Just how much noise were we making?
i was out of cigarettes so i took the butts out of the ashtray, emptied them out, and proceeded to roll one big Frankenstein cigarette.
my mom just used "raw dog" in a sentence correctly, time to move out.
You may see me on espn tomorrow drunk, half naked, and selling articles of clothing to rich cougars like i did last year, but i will NOT be drinking shitty beer
The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
It'd be a romantic, consensual abduction
No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.
Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.
Who wrote "the chamber of secrets has been open, enemies of the heir beware" across my bathroom wall?
can't believe I traded a good night's sleep and a midterm for your blurry tits
And I threw up 26 times yesterday. I actually think I threw up a spider too.
How many more times can I say I need to get laid before you kill me?
I just used a coke ridden $20 bill to buy Girl Scout cookies
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