What are you drinking?
Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL
So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
Dude, I just went to take a piss and looked at my ballsack... Underneath was labled "L" and "R"
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
Or I could just give you a blow job and make it up to you.
No, that's okay. Don't worry about it.
Going once.....twice.........sold to the girl who didn't really wanna do it anyway.
I feel like I deserve an award for facing my fear of penises in my face.
The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
yeah she's crazy. she fought a possum in my alley because it was "being a cagey little cunt"
Is offering to blow your HR rep considered an ethics violation?
Leaving Denver airport I just saw a group of young Republicans in matching green T-shirts that said "4/20 Baby!"
new low: I blocked him from seeing my snapchat story in hopes he will text me because he'll be afraid I'm dead or something
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
Randomize
