New high or new low? Cat walked into the bathroom while I was taking a #2, looked @ me, sneezed and walked out..
Why are we friends again?
everything was goin great until he pulled out his ed hardy lighter and smoked in my face like he was cool.
it's like you attract all the douchebags that nobody wants. people should thank you.
You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
We're going to shave my junk and take pictures of it wearing fake mustaches we found at the dollar store. They're uncannily realistic; much better than the cockstaches of my youth.
i just remember doing it on a pile of clothes while i heard the muffled sound of his friend laughing. then i realized we were in a closet.
Boobs are also good for catching the vodka gummy bears that miss my mouth
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
I'm at the bar, forgot my pants. Everyone's over reacting
Okay. This morning the comforter was wet, you were underwearless and using a tiny blanket. What'd you do??
So my parents just watched me pour their rum into a bottle and only add crystal light powder, no water... Talk about being judged. All I could say was "Cortland tricks?"
someone just got arrested on campus...
holy fuck look at all that cocaine
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
