Saw some pubes in our toilet, hope the new look works out tonight.
I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
Lesson 1: you can't keep macking on a girl if you get handcuffed
i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
My name in their phones is "That Girl". If i can't get it to go away, I might as well live up to it.
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
There is nothing quite so awkward as watching topless bullriding with your mother next to you..
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
Pornhub is still operational. Therefore, the world has NOT come to an end in the blizzard!
Ugh hungover at a laundromat is a terrible feeling. For some reason I keep getting sucked into staring at the clothes spinning around and around and it makes me want to profusely projectile vomit everywhere
You where banging on the wall asking us where we hid the door...you then crawled under the deck thinking you'd be safe. I told you to eat the nachos before the party...I told you.....
Randomize