when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
There is a bruise on my cock the size of a golfball. Bad sign.
Come over and play the Jeter 3000 drinking game. You drink if the commentators say "captain" or "3000". I'll drink if they say "overrated" or "past his prime".
This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.
Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.
He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".
it only took 2 hours but we managed to melt the purity ring down with a butane torch
I drank all the drinks. And jump off roof. Yay
I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.
I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.
My heart feels like a grape in a barrel about to be crushed into wine
Literally every boy I've dated is now in a somewhat successful band. My vagina has obviously been blessed by the rock gods.
I preemptively put on a cape before eating a bunch of weed brownies. Best decision ever.
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
And I’m prepared, because I'm in it to win it (and by win I mean get railed hard)
Randomize
