Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Is it possible to make a milkshake in a martini shaker or am I gonna need a blender?
now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets
If you listen closely you can hear the sound of inbreeding and shame.
Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.
I had a dream where I was about to fight you but you were dressed like a greek god and had just killed a werewolf with your bare hands
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Im like a hedgehog. Easy to corner or get within reach, but tough to get right close to. Like a rooster with its feathers surgically replaced with razors
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
Currently tripping balls and watching Pink Floyd the wall and I'm crying during it. If this isn't a self realization then I don't know what to tell you.
I'm 22 and I'm drinking hawaiian punch from a sippy cup. Everything is right in the world.
extra points if i make kids and or the elderly cry
Whats a polite way to say 'if you havent put on a freshman 15 i would like to see you during break'?
On a scale of 1 to i should hide, how deep did i dig my grave?
Randomize
