So she said grabbing my cock was like holding a giant crayola from pre-school.
that was the beginning of the end.
No, a stripper letting you buy her dinner is not the same as a girlfriend.
Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...
Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
I'm busy watching infomercials. I'd say I'll join you later, but I'm doing a shot every time they demonstrate how difficult life is WITHOUT this product. So I doubt I'll be able to walk in another... Maybe 40 minutes.
But feel free to join! A new infomercial starts in 12 minutes.
Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....
Note to self: remember to figure out whether melted cheese is a liquid when not stoned
In order to save time, dignity and liver damage, wanna get naked?
Just once I'd like to go out and not have to tell you to put your pants back on.
My dick has been in way too much crazy the past 2+weeks, but hey it feels good to fuck consistently again
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
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