Broke my phone, have no voice AND I was blackout by 3 p.m...I'm betting I had a great time.
I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...
Dude, I work in two hours. Unless you can find Chris Hemsworth and convince him to have a three-way with us, I'm not getting out of bed.
I'm a grown ass woman, I need to get fucked
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
I've turned into a small time drug dealer, now who's the real MVP.
I guess I was telling girls last night that I was a virgin with terminal cancer again
Don’t eat the Doritos. Jeff was eating them while he was watching porn
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