I need you to promise me that the first one to find out our kids smoke weed, takes the weed so we can smoke it ourselves
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
He likes Jesus. Game over.
Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
My month off booze swimsuit season diet plan is working well. Plus I'm learning so much about my house, did you know a girl named Meagan lives here?
You went in the back with her.. And honestly I couldn't tell her neck from her tits man..
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
You fell out of his top bunk onto his set of golf clubs. After seeing blood on your leg, you proceeded to sing "the first cut is the deepest" while sprawled on the golf clubs
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
It's official. I have spent more money on weed than on textbooks this semester.
And to be clear I have only watched porn like 3 times at work
Randomize
