I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.
so, just learned that EVERYONE heard pretty much everything last night. my roommates were surprised to learn you're a dirty talker.
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.
bring money and cleavage
So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
He asked if I smoke and I said "only fools like you on the basketball court!" Then I started crying. I think I'm about to have my period.
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
We were destined to go to rehab together
He is dating a girl who is on the Olympic shooting team...I've never been so scared to hit on a guy with a girlfriend in my entire life.
i would compare it to sliding down a velcro-covered fireman's pole naked. no more bearded men for me.
I wore my lizzie mcguire socks to the bar last night. Because that's how i get all the ladiez
YOU FUCKED THE DARE INSTRUCTOR DIDN'T YOU?
Randomize
