The only thing I've had to eat today was the half eaten sausage biscuit I found on my chest when I woke up this morning.
operation "beaches make me wet" is a go
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
I dunno. It's not as good as 'devourer of cocks' but I suppose few things are.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just want nice things and good sex
I just sang beautiful by Christina Aguilera to a kebab. This is what my life has come to.
He won a jackpot and invited his ex girlfriend over to have sex on 5grand
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
You kept saying “keke” over and over so I slapped you then you proceeded to ask if I loved you. In case you’re wondering why you have a black eye - Lauren
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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