Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
When I was in the bathroom and wiped with a paper towel I found in the trashcan, I realized that this might be the reason I have a yeast infection.
Not enough. Tell the person next to you to give you their drink. I give you permission. And then chug it. Be a hero tonight.
I ended up driving home on my birthday, he opened the door to puke on the highway, and animal balloons were flying out of the car the entire time. The people behind us got a show.
He just asked me if I wanted a ride on the "bologna pony." I never wanna have sex again...
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I woke up to a full mcdonalds meal being shoved in my face. Mom mustve noticed the empty tequila bottle. I love family.
Oh god now he thinks I'm into him because I've been staring at him trying to figure out what animal he looked like
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
if happy hour never ends, you’ll never have to eat kale
He gave me an extra phone charger for the other side of the bed the other night. Is that love?
You know it's a pretty bad night when an injured penis is not the worst thing that happened to you. Fuck tequila
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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