Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.
i told him i should keep a toothbrush at his house for after all the times i threw up there. he said yes but i wasnt getting a key to the apt
Is it too much to ask that I wake up one morning with out a pic of your dick as my wallpaper??
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
Flacco has been sacked like 7 times. His name also auto corrects to Flaccid. That's so sad
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Wake up. Finish House of Cards. Put on pants.
Accurate.
You were talking to yourself and eating cold cuts in the kitchen when I found you
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
He was making a joke about signing my name on this piece of paper. He has a whole bucket filled with names on pieces of paper. I think thats how he keeps count.
Nothing like a little " am I gonna shit myself " to spice up the work day
my one night stand just gave me money "to buy a better vibrator" tis the season
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
