So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
I just had to take a drug test for my new job. I should have asked them if they could tell me if I were pregnant or not while they were at it and save me the guesswork.
she carries around a jar of peanut butter. "just in case".
Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
Well two things you gotta know if you're gonna live here. your alcohol tolerance is gonna need to go up, and people do blow. Get used to it. Nobody is gonna pressure you into it. That shits expensive
Douche bag was crowd surfing, sack punched him. Crowd carried him away in a ball of agony. LIFE=COMPLETE.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
I totally forgot about finals week. im the worst adderall salesman ever.
Didn't you used to babysit him?
18 years ago I helped him into his clothes. Today he helped me out of mine.
Seriously? People are paying $45 for Surge?!? I've seen better one night stand decisions being made then the choices being made on amazon orders of Surge
I'm crying watching Rihanna at the VMAs. Periods are a bitch
He took my Spanx off and still fucked me twice. I call that success.
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