last week i woke up at this guys house...this week i woke up at his ex girlfriends
I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
she is the female version of PC from the mac and pc commercials..i'll still hit tho
and i forgot to tell you that my armpit hair is now completely grown back. man i love winter.
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
shes laying on the floor in a bowl of salsa with her pants half off and she's crying... i dont know what to do...
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
Why are there hooting douchebags outside my building? Did a sport happen again?
I love you too! Remember NO alcohol or weed at my residence because of legal ramifications.
I was lying I actually don't, I hope a reindeer shitted in her bed
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
Randomize
