Now hope fervently that she'll do it quick and cheap, just the way i like it
i'm so high that for the last 10 minutes i pretened my sock was a mouse, and played with it like it was legit.
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it
I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.
i just bought plan b at the bus station. happy holidays and welcome to a new level of white trashiness.
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
Fuck your 100 proof Hot Damn. Do you know what 100 proof vomit tastes like? Anger.
He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.
You want to get day drunk this afternoon and watch these guys build a house across the street?
Mid stroke she told me she'd had bigger. Replied I could tell. Sex ended right at that moment.
I'm eating lunchables with a glass of wine while I FaceTime the guy I lost my virginity to.
HOLY SHIT. I JUST FOUND OUT THAT THE KARL/RORY BASEBALL FIGHT THAT RORY LOST WAS 2 YEARS AGO TODAY. RIP KARL'S DICK.
Can we smoke pot out of a menorah?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
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