What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife
Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.
It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Careful, it's a slippery slope to discovering you're bisexual...trust me.
ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.
Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.
I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.
I rest my case.
At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Well I'm missing half a toenail if that's any indication of my night
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
You kept ripping all your clothes off and saying, "Let me be free!"
I found a 9 minute video on my phone of you singing into an eggplant.
I AM STRANGELY AROUSED BY THIS UNEXPECTED DEVELOPMENT AND I AM COMPLETELY OK WITH THIS.
Randomize
