I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
Is it a little weird that I have a ridiculous urge to have sex while the theme song to the Pirates of the Carrbibbean blares in the background?
Ill pay your DUI fine if you just come see me nooooowwwww
no. its 2:30am and im not going to jail for a booty call
you told him to eat candy out of your ear instead of your vagina because you had your period. never. drink. AGAIN.
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
I keep replaying commercials about kittens frolicking and was crying nonstop. WILL MY PERIOD LAST FOREVER!?
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
Here's what I don't understand. How does anyone watch you eat mayo for 12 minutes and then ever fuck you again??
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Topless Tuesday? One of us will be really happy the other not so much.
Pooled our money and rented a bouncy castle for the day. Get over here now. Bring vodka.
I just do things that aren't classy the classy way.
I ate her out and told her she tasted like pumpkin pie. She screamed that she hated pumpkins and started to cry
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