Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
My ATM looks so different sober.
It's like god touched my soul and said 'you will be great in bed'
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
If you're wondering why you have playpen balls it's because we stopped at chuckie cheese on the way home.
But college guys get to crossfade so there's that
No idea what that is
Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...
I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words
Paying for my weed with Mike's hard lemonade freezables. The perks of having a gay dealer
You could woo kevin with a boquet of breakfast burritos. He loves those burritos. You could use the hot sauce packets like babies breathe
If you think you're having a bad day, know that upon waking up, I was informed that I blew my nose in a piece of bread last night
apparently while i was high i thought that putting a dinosaur temporary tattoo on my inner thigh would keep me from taking my pants off and having sex with him...
...it didn't...
A dick pic is not a proper way to say I'm sorry
From the bottom of my heart, thanks for never sending me unsolicited dick picks.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
336: Dude I lost my.phone Wednesday night at a party and just found it, three days later, on the lacrosse field....what the actual fuck.
You should have thought of that before emitting walrus sounds while intoxicated
Randomize
