made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
I must have had a great time last night.. I woke up with coconut oil all over my glasses
You told me you were pretty sure you were god because you knew everything about everyone.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
reason #14 for loving my boobs...just got out of a 40mph over the limit speeding ticket thru a work zone. i dont think the cop knew i even had a face
I kept grabbing at Stephanie's boobs because I thought the leopard spots on her dress were popcorn.
He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.
My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Because that's what you do with poop. You expect the worst.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
Naw dude theres seriously a lobster in my sock drawer. Why?
I passed out while searching "symptoms of narcolepsy"...
Randomize
