pretend to be my girlfriend and sign me up for tool academy
just woke up in a hotel room.. realizing its the hotel i work at.. lets see how this walk of shame turns out
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
she was talking at me constantly for like 20mins. i kept praying for a brain hernia but it kept not happening...
is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro
yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.
how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?
I'm going to join a nudist colony to win $1000. There are no down-sides to this.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Can't find my wig, my underwear, or my dignity. Halloween 2016
I LACK THE NECESSARY BRAIN FUNCTIONS TO BE ABLE TO PROPERLY RESPOND TO THAT
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
I want you to worship my cock.
That's not how you start a conversation.
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