Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
The next time you try to involve a tickle me Elmo in my orgasm, I'm leaving you
Also they do not have any come back to america, i miss my fuck buddy cards at Hallmark.
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
I walked in her room to find her rubbing lotion on her face high as fuck.
It's funny to me the only time that you clean up is when your weed delivery man is on the way.
Please keep in mind you are asking relationship advice from a girl who fucked a guy just because we have the same name. Just keep that in mind.
It is clearly not my fault that you decided studying was more important than trying to bang our hot teacher for an A, so I seized the opportunity.
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
i got pulled over completely sober but looking like death. dick cop made me do a field sobriety test. he also said "no sober person could have 7 BK bags"
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
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