I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy
i knew it was time to break up with him once he pulled out the Halo foreplay costumes
if they reproduce, their children will be the worst quarters players ever
If I go there, please come with. It will accelerate the lesbian rumor but be totally worth it.
She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.
I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
I finally fell asleep and like an hour later he wakes me up and says "I've always to be woken up w a blowjob." Um, that's not how it works asshole.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
Hey, I'm making progress. I haven't thrown up in a bar while wearing a sweater vest in almost two months.
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
Yeah! Just remind me to. I'll also bring the blow up penis
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
I often wonder if we’re introverted extroverts, but I don’t think so. I think we’re just easily tired scumbags
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