I'm drunk at a fancy martini bar, wearing jeans, drinking cheap vodka that I brought in my purse. Got thrown out of court for using my cell phone. All in all calling Thursday a success.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
Can you imagine it being physically possible any other way unless the cows are unnaturally flexible
She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.
I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Why can't I hire someone to teach me how to be a decent human being?
I mean I want to be happy but it's a train wreck that you can't look away from
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
I need to thank someone for this kid's penis.
Hey what are you up to?
I am wear the people with the mustaches live. I have found their home.
DUDE, WE BOUGHT THE ACID TOGETHER.
I need an honest answer, no judgements. Would it make me a bad person if I fucked the other twin?
The party bus is stocked with 5 hour energies and beer and someone handing out adderall. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
