I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.
Do you recall us playing flip cup on your head?
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
I dont know. Theres no way you can be ready for the sex hurricane that will consume you.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
What am I even going to do with 20 more jello shots? And don't say give them to the cat
You're right. Cause really... I'm in the back of his head. Even though what I said was better than "I have herpes"... I did once say that to him. So I'm like a reoccurring nightmare.
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
It's 6am and I had to explain to the gas station attendant why I didn't have shoes on and I'm covered in maple syrup.
leads to pukin, then cryin, then 24hr masturbatin binge, then cryin again and finally a combination of all 3
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
