I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.
I just made a milkshake without a blender... thats determination
Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?
we're havin a 400 loko party for joe pa's 400th win. come get loko
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
hes duct taped to the wall and we're throwing eggs at him. i love thirsty thursday.
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
Oh boy I hope we come out of this alive. And with clean prison records
I woke up and sent him a text that said 'I'm sorry forever'
what the hell makes you think you get to decide what your going to wear at our weding!?
She was a little thick, but we banged on the beach and fireworks went off as we finished so I think God wanted it
Randomize
