if any two of us come back from the bar and aren't getting laid we will systematically destroy everything in the kitchen
I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
Driving out to Plano is like driving away from your twenties
its like think what a normal person would think but completely the opposite.
I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important
she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.
I'm pretty sure that I'm earning a horrible reputation with your friends, but I'm having a fucking great time in the process.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I have reached the point in my life where I realized this is what I'm going to do for the rest of my life. Eat, shit , bar, drink, drank, drunk.
ALso, saw an adorable man walking an adorable dog with his adorable kid.
And yes, that last sentence is biased because my ovaries started screaming
Well. Your father was, shall we say, privately surfing the Internet when he found a video of you and Kevin. This was on a very public website honey.
By the way, Kevin! OMG good catch honey!
Hey. Im sorry to bother you but I just watched the seinfield episode about faking an orgasm and it caused me to second guess myself. Were you satisfied?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
I've had more sex since the twins moved in than I'd had in the previous four years. They are the best wingman ever.
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
Randomize
