Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.
do you remember putting condoms over both your hands and asking me if your fists would be too big.
Martha Stewart would most definitely roll a great joint.
She's like a coupon for free blow jobs. No purchase necessary.
I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.
You make your fellow Jews happy.
I can't find the keys to get out of my front door, there are random socks in my bicycle basket and I can see a plastic handle of cheap vodka sitting on my porch. oh, and my head just broke u with me.
Is 9am too early to be eating a mozzarella stick I found in my purse? Yeah didnt think so. The fact that it tastes like vomit is concerning but not importanta.
Whenever I think to myself, "I don't work for a bunch of hours"... It's shot time?
She's going to be the first to die of too much illness. Not even super bad stuff like cancer but like for having a cold at the same time as a sore throat and chlamydia or something. Just too much diseases.
Walking down the street, Bro bumping to 'still' by dre. Dropped his trash on the ground and aggressively sped up when his light turned green. If you still had love for the streets you wouldn't of fucking littered. Took everything for me not to yell at him. I know you would've.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
All I did was call him a fucker when he took my pot. He didn't have to arrest me.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
Would you be opposed to me keeping a live lobster in the shower for a bit?
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
Randomize
