i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"
if you ask that question again our friendship is over
Hot mess moment: I just made really spicy guac and picked my nose, which set it on fire. I tried to neti pot it with a coffee pot, which resulted in me gagging and puking all over my bf's bathroom. oopsie.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
please tell me that the half empty jar of cocktail sauce on the table has nothing to do with my missing seamonkeys
walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.
Missing a small section of hand. Hope your night is going better
We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere
WHY DO YOU ALWAYS PUT THE PLUG IN THE SINK BEFORE YOU PUKE IN IT
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick
Uber driver has left leg up on the dash and turn signal on for about a mile, there's Chipotle wrappers on the floor, but she's hot. 5 stars.
I threw my shoes out of frustration and walked home barefoot... can you help me find my shoes in the morning
i sent him a picture of his friend's dick and told him he should really stop thinking he's my only option.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
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