You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
its sad that the first thing i assume is that ur trying to indirectly tell me you fucked on a breakfast table
by asking you if you bought one for the apartment?
I just found out why they dont make table-dance tables out of glass.
I don't remember much, but my night is dated pre-Jaeger and post-Jaeger. Also, my boss may or may not have tucked me in.
Ugh. my cast still smells like fermenting hot tub water and bad decisions.
I am here to underwhelm you with my vagina
I'm trying to seductively eat these M&M's to let her know its on
I don't know what to say to that. All I know is my vagina is trying to jump through the phone.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Reasons I shouldn't drink... My twitter drafts keep getting more and more emotional.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
So that guy from plenty of fish has a lightning bolt tattooed on his face. I kinda feel like I HAVE to sleep with him now.
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Married dude I had an affair with 10yrs ago was at table next to us at dinner last nite. My mom asked him to take a pic of us & then commented how cute he was as they left. Do I tell her he’s got a huge D too?
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
Randomize
