just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He was putting purell on my boobs saying "they need to be clean for later." He hadn't had a drink all night
I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
So I found the perfect "Yeah I gained weight since high school but it went to all the right places" outfit for the reunion this weekend.
We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
So red wine goes with eggs, right? Because that's all I have in the house to cook and the drinking options are either wine or scotch
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
Randomize