I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again
I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.
Also, I called my liver hardcore in front of vet students last night and then wound up having three of them trying to palpate it. So...not saying that again.
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Naked and Afraid: Hangover edition
im buying my prof a giftcard to the state store bc he talked ab crying into a glass of tequila so he deserves it
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
I don't like kids.
You were literally holding a baby 5 minutes ago
I like them before they learn to speak and after they learn to think.
Who the hell tries to steal eggnog.
Randomize
