When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
Do I have a sign around my neck that says "SWM desperately seeking ultra-plus-size woman that likes everything I do"? I swear they're organized
No, but you do have a sign around your neck that says "Free cupcakes."
I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
I want to leave work and go home and eat Five Guys and masturbate
you kept begging me not to tell anyone you had been a bat in another life
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
How do you delicately ask if your friend's dad was arrested for solicitation of prostitution?
Blowing a married man is so much more important than a 12 year olds basketball game.
It's an interesting experience to pee while a bird meows at you.
You need to get out of the house more
Sorry dude, one minute I was flirting with a bachelorette party from Dallas and the next I’m being tied to the bed by the bride
Trying to wrangle us an invite to the wedding
Randomize