I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
Ppl just aren't as funny as we are
OMG - This guy with a mullet just told me - it wasn't a mullet - but his hair dresser layered it wrong. It's so walmart in here. I hate you.
I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.
You rolled around on the floor, yelled about being a "half-zombie" and bit that guy on the leg who was hitting on me.
Why were you not born a dude?
Because god wanted to level the playing field
I bought left over pizza from a guy on Craigslist.
I have a present for you
Like a legit gift, not just me showing up and getting naked
He tried to make small talk to hide the fact that he was struggling to unhook my bra... at least he tried right?
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
MESSY REBOUND SEX HERE I COME! Time to start stretching to fit in my back seat again ...
Yah. Then he started clapping my boobs together in his hands and started shouting "the seas are angry!"
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Going to the eye doctors drunk makes you feel like your doing a sobriety test! They have to know..
Randomize
