i just saw a foot job.
porn is incredible...
My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
getting caught by my parents in bed with another guy was way easier coming out than telling them over dinner like I had planned.
so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.
Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.
The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.
some asshole was waslkibg around with ab electric razor and shaving parts of peoples heads.
Of course not. I'd be offended if you didn't bring my boobs into casual conversation.
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
He took me out to dinner to tell me we had to stop fucking so randomly
Honestly wish he pleased me as much as queso does
Like people our age are getting engaged, and I’m out here spooning with a giant unicorn I bought at Walmart on Black Friday.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
