She just told me she's too full for a reach-around. Sad.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.
I did shrooms last night. My drug checklist is complete, I can finally graduate.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.
Bonding with my year old cousin over the fact that we both shit ourselves. Babysitting like a bosss
We had a pillow fight. It looks like an angel exploded here. A DRUNK ALCOHOLIC ANGEL
This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey
Dude, just found out there's a monster in a video game named after me. No more dating nerds.
I just remembered you throwing bread at me and getting me to drink water out of a heineken bottle. You are my best friend.
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
PSA- Wearing assless chaps results in embarrassingly painful sunburn
Randomize
