That chode just called off the engagement. I just dropped his toothbrush in the toilet. And I’ve forgotten to take my birth control for the past two weeks. He’s fucked!
Apparently they want to see what I've been working on for the last three months. Can I just hand them a bunch of empty fifths?
She made a list of the things each of us had done wrong and assigned a point system. Guess who came out the loser?
i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.
Oh my god he's laying on a longboard singing the song from cool runnings.
I had a dream that my roommate walked in on me masturbating and I hissed "I'm not stopping this orgasm train for the likes of you" and just kept going
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
The fact that my boss lets me drink on my lunch break makes Mondays much easier.
He was watching porn and riding a stationary bike in the living room
It felt like I was on painkillers mixed with Molly mixed with the sinking feeling I'll die alone. 10/10 doing again.
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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