She kept calling me her DD, which I assumed meant designated driver, so I was confused because I don't even have a car. Found out later it means designated dick. It's what her and her friends use as code for the guy they want to hook up with at the end of the night. I feel so used.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I was so stoned on the way to work, I pretended you were in the car with me. We sang "Mrs. Jackson" by outkast.
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom
i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn
THEY HAVE VIAGRA FLAVORED GELATO
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Will that be creepy to wake him up at midnight with my tongue all over his body??
I hope you get eaten by satanic starfish.
Dude respond to my evite. You're either coming to the orgy or not.
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
Spent 38 bucks on dollar wells last night. I'm pretty sure my liver is staging a mutiny right now.
Randomize
