a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
She had to get her inhaler in the middle of fucking...but she kept it in.
You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there
You know how to spell recollection?
I smuggled my gin and tonic out of the bar by shoving the glass in my pocket...mistakes were inevitable.
I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.
I knew you would eventually ask my secret. Pedialite mix drinks. Works wonders.
I just imagined you going baby-crazy and trying to shove him up into your uterus. Yes, I'm aware he's 7 years old.
Highlight of my night: you taking that shot of garlic butter and then throwing the empty container down on the stairs and saying FUCK.
At least I'm fat on the outside. You can NEVER change being fat on the inside.
Apparently when the cops arrived I was standing over him in the bathroom yelling, get the fuck up you piece of shit. Beer still in hand.
I'm drunk enough to know I'm texting you and sober enough to know what I'm saying to you
Hung out near hay bales in sweaters then she gave me a pumpkin spice pop rocks bj. That was so freakin' seasonal.
For a girl who cried from fear the last time she was asked out, this. Is. TERRIFYING!
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
you said, "I wonder what your mum is doing right now." in the middle of sex, of course I threw up on you.
Randomize