I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.
HOW IN THE HELL DID YOU BLOW A .24?????
We were watching I'm a celebrity get me out of here and taking shots every time heidi said HALLELUJAH, and started spraying her hair with that stupid dry shampoo shit....and we only watched the last half hour.
I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.
I should hang a sign above my bed that says "get hard or go home."
i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
The homeless guy out front said it's his birthday and he asked us to join him for happy hour after work. He's buying a fifth of gin to celebrate.
What part of I'm done do you not understand? Im not going to send you sex photos to prove I've moved on..
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
just found out I was hugging strangers at the bar last night. there's photographic evidence. I know none of them
this is the last time i am going to a 7am booty call
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Yes, you can glue plastic eyes to my dick and take pictures while I'm asleep. If you tell anyone I said you could do that Ima fight you.
1st date with cop went weird. He yelled at me & we had a horrible date. Walking to the car I tripped & started bleeding & then he made out with me. Is it wrong that I want to see him again?
THIS IS WHY YOU NEED THERAPY!
Randomize
