I was sitting behind this girl in class and she logged out of her facebook, hacked into her boyfriends, and then proceeded to check his inbox. This is why I'm single.
Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.
I am so getting Plan B when we get home. Not getting knocked up by a dude with a hair piece.
Dude its barely eleven am and there is already a firetruck and ambulance at the shamrock...happy st paddys day
she kicked me out for pissing in the recycling bin. I mean, is it really THAT big of a deal?
Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
oh and then you called a time out with your penis
There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding
it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
In case you were wondering, yes I did just watch the Katy Perry movie alone on a Saturday night. I'm so alone it makes a noise.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
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