please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me
all of your clothes are in the front law. btw..sprinklers go on in 20 minutes
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
you flashed my boyfriend last night so i tackled you to the floor. you may be a bit sore.
Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is
I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Want to help me interview candidates to replace my Cub/Boy Toy when he leaves for grad school next month?
Randomize
