I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.
My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
No one will ever love me with the amount of puke on my hand
I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.
Its not college unless your study breaks were to go throw up from blacking out the night before
I said to him "i can't have sex with anyone in my friend's living room" then he said "we can move the air mattress into the kitchen"
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
She said if her future children dont have blue eyes she wont love them
I made him laugh his dick is mine
I think I fucked the doubts about us out of him
Tell me why I woke up with your dads construction shirt on, nothing else, and had jelly donuts with a note from a girl named cathryn that said "we had a kinky night with peanut butter". p.s. Im by the layin by the lawnmower
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